


4am

by nomsie500



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Comfort, Gen, Logan needs hugs, Nightmares, analogical - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 18:24:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17411924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nomsie500/pseuds/nomsie500
Summary: Logan knows where all of the sides came from and what they had to endure before they took a place of prominence in Thomas's life. The others don't know what he knows, and this haunts him in a way that is hard to cope with.





	4am

**Author's Note:**

> So this was in part inspired by a song called 4am by Olivver the Kid. There's also a part where Virgil vaguely describes a violent incident. It should be ok but I'll mark it with an asterisk just to be on the safe side. Enjoy!

All the sides came into prominence at different points in Thomas’s life. Patton had always been there, helping Thomas learn to control his emotions and understand why his parents wanted him to do certain things. Logan became a separate entity when Thomas started kindergarten because Patton couldn’t sort through all the new information Thomas was learning in school. Roman came to be a few months after Logan when Thomas could come up with more complicated imaginary schemes and started employing his creativity in a more concentrated way. Virgil appeared when Thomas first noticed boys in elementary school. As Thomas grew and became a more complex person, the various facets of his personality became more defined and individualistic to help Thomas navigate the complexities of his person.

Roman and Virgil didn’t remember the time before they existed in their defined forms, but Logan did. He’d been self-aware since Thomas was born, back when Thomas didn’t need Logic. Logan remembered where the first five years of his life took place and what that was like. He remembered so well that nightmares about his early life still haunted him in his dreams.

None of the other sides knew that Logan knew where they all came from and how scary it was to exist where they once did. Logan couldn’t talk about it, not only because the others wouldn’t understand, but also because they would freak out and throw Thomas completely off balance. Logan knew there was a reason that the others didn’t know about the true nature of Thomas’s mind, and he figured he should abide by it even if he didn’t know why. 

Because he couldn’t talk about it, he bottled it up, and the release came in the form of truly terrifying nightmares. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

Logan woke up from another nightmare, breathing hard and covered in sweat. He looked at the time and groaned. It was 4:00 am, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep. He sighed and shook his head, this was the ninth night in a row of this episode and he was already sick of it. Not wanting to be in his room any longer, Logan decided to go down to the commons and put on a documentary of some sort. Documentaries could sometimes calm him down enough to let him sleep for a few more hours, other times he just learned something new about history or space or the ocean. He didn’t mind either way, the nightmares always stayed at bay this way.

Logan wandered down the stairs and into the kitchen, startling when he saw Virgil by the stove, brewing up some tea. 

Virgil also startled in response to Logan, but his face melted into one of concern when he took in Logan’s appearance. “You doing okay there, Lo? You look like you got hit by a bus.”

“I can assure you that I am quite alright,” Logan replied, busying himself with making a cup of tea.

“You have the same look on your face that I do after I have a nightmare,” Virgil stated.

“I do not dream. I am Logic, dreaming is illogical,” Logan deflected.

“I’m not buying that. You can tell me what’s going on, I won’t judge you,” Virgil stated, making sure he looked open and easy to talk to. He knew that Logan had periods of time where he wasn’t functioning at his best, and Virgil had a feeling that these spurts had to do with Logan’s ability to sleep well. Virgil also knew that there was something that haunted Logan. Sometimes one of the others, including Virgil himself, would say or do something that would cause Logan to look at them with fear and helplessness. Logan always pulled himself out of it before any one else noticed, but Virgil was extremely perceptive of subtle reactions. 

“Nothing is going on. I just wake up early sometimes,” Logan replied shortly. Logan decided to take his tea back up to his room to avoid Virgil, but Virgil grabbed his arm before he could fully turn around.

“I know something is up with you,” Virgil started. “I know that at least once a month you go through a period of time where you don’t sleep well. I know that there is something that scares you and that Patton, Roman, and I remind you of that thing. I already know that something is up, and I want to help you. I promise you I won’t judge you.”

“Promise?” Logan asked nervously, immediately reverting to the little boy that lives on in his nightmares.

“Promise,” Virgil smiled, leading the shaken logical side over to the kitchen table to sit down.

Logan sighed, seeming to gather his thoughts before speaking. “Do you remember the time before you existed? Before you became aware of Patton, Roman, and I and your place in Thomas’s life?”

“No, I don’t. I didn’t think anyone did,” was Virgil’s confused reply.

“Well, I do,” Logan stated. “I know where we all came from, the events that triggered our definition, and I know exactly how Thomas’s brain works.”

Virgil just stared in response, so Logan continued. Once he started, he couldn’t make himself stop.

“Everyone, including Patton, originated in the Subconscious. The Subconscious is a dark, dismal abyss that sucks all the light and happiness out of the world. It is the keeper of all the potential mental illnesses, facets of Thomas’s personality, and the truths that Thomas does not know about himself. The Subconscious is the dark world of Thomas’s mind, and it is a truly terrifying place. The only reason everything is so light here is because Patton is such a light and happy person. If he did not radiate light, all would be dark and the Subconscious would have total control of Thomas’s mind.

“I remember all of the trials and tribulations that every facet suffered before being brought into the Conscious. I know that almost all the facets of Thomas’s personality have been reborn at least twice because the dormant mental illnesses tortured and killed them off on a regular basis. I dream about both my time in the Subconscious and what is occurring there now. I am the only one who seems to not be able to escape the darkness, and this fact distresses me greatly. I cannot sleep properly, knowing what is happening down there and how I no longer can help anything that is down there. I am terrified of what could happen if Patton lost control of the Conscious.”

Virgil just stared at Logan for a second, not sure what to make of the normally cool and collected side. It was then that Virgil noticed Logan’s shoulders were shaking, so he stood to give the Logical side a hug. Logan initially flinched at the sudden contact but leaned into the touch and began to sob openly.

The two sides remained there for a while, and eventually Logan calmed down enough to step out of Virgil’s hold. He gave the Anxious side his equivalent of a watery smile before standing up to make himself another cup of tea. Virgil joined him, and soon enough they were on the living room couch with fresh, steaming mugs of tea.

“You know I have nightmares too, right?” Virgil asked quietly.

“Yes, I believe I was aware of that given the fact that you worry so much about all the worst-case scenarios,” Logan replied, for he knew exactly what the others dreamt about. He was privy to more information than the others knew, and he wasn’t about to tell any of them about the things they wanted to keep private. Logan respected his counterparts too much to expose them in such a way.

****

“Well, I have had many weird nightmares in the past. They were always shrouded in darkness and all I could hear was screaming, all I could feel was invisible knives cutting into me. I never knew where these nightmares came from or what they meant, Could they be about my time in the Subconscious?” Virgil asked carefully. 

****

Logan’s breath hitched and his eyes started to water again. Virgil just described his last night in the Subconscious before he appeared in the Conscious, and Logan’s heart broke knowing that Virgil had a vague recollection of that night.

“That’s exactly what those nightmares are. The mental illnesses did not take kindly to the news of your impending departure from the Subconscious.”

“Oh,” was Virgil’s response. “Well, at least we both know that we aren’t alone in our terrifying dreams and stuff. Can you promise me something, Lo?”

“Perhaps,” was Logan’s measure response.

“Talk to me when the nightmares come. I will never judge you and I will always be available when you need to talk. You shouldn’t have to go through this alone,” Virgil explained.

“I will do my best, but I am not the best at opening up to you three. I feel as though there is a reason you are not as aware of the horrors of Thomas’s mind as I am,” Logan stated.

“I’m not worried about that,” Virgil replied. “Why don’t we just put on a movie or something? I think we’ve both thought about this enough for one night.”

“That sounds nice,” Logan said, picking up the remote and putting on a nature documentary. 

Logan and Virgil stayed up the rest of the night cuddling on the couch and watching whatever felt the most calming. This became a routine for them whenever one of them had a nightmare, and Logan took comfort in the fact that light truly existed in the Conscious. The darkness couldn’t hurt him or the ones he cared about anymore.


End file.
